Last Resort

I have been promising myself to get out and play an open mic, or a show or just...play guitar for way too long.
As in... I haven't played out in almost 2 years. I haven't even played "in" for... well I played for 10 minutes a couple months back. And a few months before that I picked it up for almost 20 minutes. But thats really about it for the past year.
When I'm done this bootcamp I am going to stay on campus after class and play at the conveniently scheduled open Mic at the Gallery (Thursdays! When I'm on campus anyway, and the only night of the week I'm not teaching martial arts! Why haven't I gone yet?!?!).
So...
Self. This is my committmet. Get practicing.

Okay self. I'm on it.

Basically, I wish I were a Robot.

At the Oregon open (see a few posts earlier) I spent a lot of time being nervous leading up to my fights. I had to actively not think about competing in the weeks leading up to the trip; so much so that I often answered "I'm not sure yet" when people asked if I were planning on going. Thinking about it too much sent my stomach into a spiral of nervous churning.

Last weekend was the Western Canadian Championships. I didn't tell anyone until the very last minute that I was going: in fact, I wasn't fully mentally committed to it until about 20 minutes before I left. This tournament was only half an hour away: substantially easier to find than the one in Oregon.

This time I brought my Ipod. I calmed my nerves by listening to DeRezzed from the Tron sound track. Over, and over...and over. Thought about going in like a robot. Fighting. Winning. Easy.

I did win Gold (hooray!) but it wasn't easy. And not like a robot. I sweat, and fought, and ... well in general made a mess. My goal for the next tournament is composure. I want to see if I can perform with composure and still win; I am uncertain if my current method of frantically taking down, pinning and sumbitting while barely keeping my thumping heart inside my chest is necessary. I'd like to be more in control of me.

*sigh*

Play!

I have spent a fair bit of time at the Vancouver Aquarium. I like to watch the Otters: they have so much fun!

Last week a student in one of my classes had us all go outside for a ceremony of giving thanks. She had us choose animals at random out of a hat and then attempt to identify characteristics of the animal we chose in terms of how we try to live our lives, or how we might try to-- in relation to a feminist reading about nature, technology, and sustainability. I chose the Otter out of the hat-- which made me happy.

...
I think fun, and joy, and play are all so important. I try to live joyfully. I try to spread it around -- laughter is good.

There is a student at the Dojo that is notoriously grumpy. Even when he's just standing still, he looks grumpy (he's only 10. How on earth can he be so grumpy?). So I have always made a point of *insisting* he participate in the fun parts of class, even when he grumpily pretends he doesn't want to.
Recently, he's started smiling more. Without provocation. And he tells me exciting things like "I got a new CD!" and laughs more easily... makes me feel good.

On Halloween, we've told the kids that they can wear their costumes to class. It will be Sparring week starting on the 31st. I know at least 5 of them are coming as super heroes. There's going to be a little girl dressed as a dragon, a few vampires, and a whole whack of pirates and ninjas.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM SPAR.
I think I'm more excited about Halloween than I ever have been. I don't even have a costume, I just want to see pirates fighting ninjas... !!

Post jiu jitsu (post)

Him: Ugh. Smell my beard.
Me (revolted): No
Him: No really! Smell my beard!
Me (cautiously): *sniff*
Me (revolted): It smells like armpit.
Him (pained): ...yeah.
Me: That's disgusting. And that's the saddest face I've ever seen you make.
Him: You're so lucky. You got to roll with clean girls.
Me: It never happens! I'm so happy!

There were THREE girls (including me) at jiu jitsu today. While I did roll with a few men, I never have to deal with the gigantic smelly ones any more. After the incident with my ribs I just say no if they weigh more than 180. It's awesome.
:D

Mouths of gift horses.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I wasn't expecting a "free gift" when I bought the dress.
Some of the stuff was neat: tea, shampoo samples, eyeliner.
The nail polish could have, to the right girl, been useful.
but
... Grey nail polish?

Seriously. I was given grey nail polish.
Does anyone wear grey? Wouldn't that make me look, oh, I don't know...undead?

ugh.

Also: I watch Real Steel this weekend.
IT WAS AWESOME.
Seriously. Robots. Boxing. Having heart.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

It's all in the eyes.

A few weeks ago I posted a status on Facebook that went something like this:

"Sheila Wynne Fung didn't know what to say to the man looking wistfully at her bike from the passenger window of his girlfriend's Kia. But it was awfully nice of him to hold the little dog in it's carrying-purse on his lap like that."

I wasn't joking. I made eye contact with a man who was looking mournfully out at me, desperately holding the little dog in it's carry-bag. His eyes were so... pleading. I didn't know what to do. So I just kind of nodded at him and broke eye contact.

I felt like that time I was at the zoo and a Mir cat was standing with his paws on the wall of the enclosure basically asking me to help him get out... I wanted to help him. But fear reprisal. After all. What do I know? Maybe he loves riding in the Kia...

Success?

I rode my motorcycle to Oregon. It's a 6 hr drive... with all the stops (I can't drink a coffee and ride) and delays (traffic!), I didn't get there until 8:30 on Friday. I had left at noon. ugh.

The tournament (the Oregon Open) went well. I won gold in my division (there were enough women there to have actual Divisions by belt rank AND weight class! What the heck!?). I was also awarded "fastest Tap" because I made someone submit to a triangle from mount in 6 seconds in- apparently the fastest tap out of all the women of all ranks and weights at the tournament (for the record, the Men's fastest tap happened at 53 seconds into the round).
So I succeeded.

But I'm not sure I like competing. I'm not competitive. I don't care who's better, I care that we're both learning and having fun.

My coach told me to stop being nice to my competitors. He said "Be mean. You're too nice. I want to see some aggression".
During the round all I could hear was him yelling "TOO NICE SHEILA. Cross FACE! use your CROSS FACE!"
I don't like cross face. It's uncomfortable and I hate being in it. So I didn't use it (it's when you use your forearm across their face to control your opponents head)... apparently if I add it to my game, I'll win faster next time. And all the other competitors use it liberally.
Do I want to win faster?
...
I guess? I don't know.
I'm thinking.

Pictures to come when I get 'em.