pictures

I keep saying "photos to come!" and not following up.
so
here.
This is from the Oregon open. Please ignore the height difference.
Everyone else is from the team that went out to Oregon to compete. Mostly West Coast guys, one other Red Tiger competitor... what a great memory.

Also: there are photos from Jenny's wedding available too. I just have to figure out how to get them up here (and if that's ok!). Soon.

Oh and: right at this minute there are two men in my kitchen dancing around to LMFAO's "Sexy and I know it" while baking chocolate cake. One of them just brought me a Rum and Egg Nogg. My Life kinda rocks.

meh

I open mic-ed. It was "meh". Inspiration to practice more and do better next time (I always feel this way...)

Re-reading Donna Haraway for a paper I'm writing: cyborg feminism. Interesting.

Have been repeatedly reminded lately of the continual struggle between the things I "should do", "need to do", and "want to do". Is there really any difference? Should it be such a struggle to reconcile these things? And what about the things I'm compeltely indifferent towards that just seem to happen anyway?

Regardless: I'm planning a trip to Maui. And procrastinating on this paper. And wishing I were better at saying the things I mean.

Tomorrow

Open Mic. I promise.

Today: sparring all round! kids, adults...then kickboxing to finish the day. Sweaty, sore and exhausted.

Tomorrow: three (three!) kickboxing seminars for local highschools. Followed by Campus for class (missing morning class for seminars... ugh. So hard to balance the two). The open mic. Seriousy.

:P
Pictures from that wedding to come.

Time Travel

I went to Ontario for the most beautiful wedding ever.
I was surrounded by people I was happy to see (that seemed happy to see me!)
I felt nostalgic. Enjoyed good company. Had a great time.

Then I came home! And continued with my disconnected but incredibly fulfilling life.
Two worlds of awesome-- but so, so separate.
*Sigh*

Last Resort

I have been promising myself to get out and play an open mic, or a show or just...play guitar for way too long.
As in... I haven't played out in almost 2 years. I haven't even played "in" for... well I played for 10 minutes a couple months back. And a few months before that I picked it up for almost 20 minutes. But thats really about it for the past year.
When I'm done this bootcamp I am going to stay on campus after class and play at the conveniently scheduled open Mic at the Gallery (Thursdays! When I'm on campus anyway, and the only night of the week I'm not teaching martial arts! Why haven't I gone yet?!?!).
So...
Self. This is my committmet. Get practicing.

Okay self. I'm on it.

Basically, I wish I were a Robot.

At the Oregon open (see a few posts earlier) I spent a lot of time being nervous leading up to my fights. I had to actively not think about competing in the weeks leading up to the trip; so much so that I often answered "I'm not sure yet" when people asked if I were planning on going. Thinking about it too much sent my stomach into a spiral of nervous churning.

Last weekend was the Western Canadian Championships. I didn't tell anyone until the very last minute that I was going: in fact, I wasn't fully mentally committed to it until about 20 minutes before I left. This tournament was only half an hour away: substantially easier to find than the one in Oregon.

This time I brought my Ipod. I calmed my nerves by listening to DeRezzed from the Tron sound track. Over, and over...and over. Thought about going in like a robot. Fighting. Winning. Easy.

I did win Gold (hooray!) but it wasn't easy. And not like a robot. I sweat, and fought, and ... well in general made a mess. My goal for the next tournament is composure. I want to see if I can perform with composure and still win; I am uncertain if my current method of frantically taking down, pinning and sumbitting while barely keeping my thumping heart inside my chest is necessary. I'd like to be more in control of me.

*sigh*

Play!

I have spent a fair bit of time at the Vancouver Aquarium. I like to watch the Otters: they have so much fun!

Last week a student in one of my classes had us all go outside for a ceremony of giving thanks. She had us choose animals at random out of a hat and then attempt to identify characteristics of the animal we chose in terms of how we try to live our lives, or how we might try to-- in relation to a feminist reading about nature, technology, and sustainability. I chose the Otter out of the hat-- which made me happy.

...
I think fun, and joy, and play are all so important. I try to live joyfully. I try to spread it around -- laughter is good.

There is a student at the Dojo that is notoriously grumpy. Even when he's just standing still, he looks grumpy (he's only 10. How on earth can he be so grumpy?). So I have always made a point of *insisting* he participate in the fun parts of class, even when he grumpily pretends he doesn't want to.
Recently, he's started smiling more. Without provocation. And he tells me exciting things like "I got a new CD!" and laughs more easily... makes me feel good.

On Halloween, we've told the kids that they can wear their costumes to class. It will be Sparring week starting on the 31st. I know at least 5 of them are coming as super heroes. There's going to be a little girl dressed as a dragon, a few vampires, and a whole whack of pirates and ninjas.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM SPAR.
I think I'm more excited about Halloween than I ever have been. I don't even have a costume, I just want to see pirates fighting ninjas... !!

Post jiu jitsu (post)

Him: Ugh. Smell my beard.
Me (revolted): No
Him: No really! Smell my beard!
Me (cautiously): *sniff*
Me (revolted): It smells like armpit.
Him (pained): ...yeah.
Me: That's disgusting. And that's the saddest face I've ever seen you make.
Him: You're so lucky. You got to roll with clean girls.
Me: It never happens! I'm so happy!

There were THREE girls (including me) at jiu jitsu today. While I did roll with a few men, I never have to deal with the gigantic smelly ones any more. After the incident with my ribs I just say no if they weigh more than 180. It's awesome.
:D

Mouths of gift horses.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I wasn't expecting a "free gift" when I bought the dress.
Some of the stuff was neat: tea, shampoo samples, eyeliner.
The nail polish could have, to the right girl, been useful.
but
... Grey nail polish?

Seriously. I was given grey nail polish.
Does anyone wear grey? Wouldn't that make me look, oh, I don't know...undead?

ugh.

Also: I watch Real Steel this weekend.
IT WAS AWESOME.
Seriously. Robots. Boxing. Having heart.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

It's all in the eyes.

A few weeks ago I posted a status on Facebook that went something like this:

"Sheila Wynne Fung didn't know what to say to the man looking wistfully at her bike from the passenger window of his girlfriend's Kia. But it was awfully nice of him to hold the little dog in it's carrying-purse on his lap like that."

I wasn't joking. I made eye contact with a man who was looking mournfully out at me, desperately holding the little dog in it's carry-bag. His eyes were so... pleading. I didn't know what to do. So I just kind of nodded at him and broke eye contact.

I felt like that time I was at the zoo and a Mir cat was standing with his paws on the wall of the enclosure basically asking me to help him get out... I wanted to help him. But fear reprisal. After all. What do I know? Maybe he loves riding in the Kia...

Success?

I rode my motorcycle to Oregon. It's a 6 hr drive... with all the stops (I can't drink a coffee and ride) and delays (traffic!), I didn't get there until 8:30 on Friday. I had left at noon. ugh.

The tournament (the Oregon Open) went well. I won gold in my division (there were enough women there to have actual Divisions by belt rank AND weight class! What the heck!?). I was also awarded "fastest Tap" because I made someone submit to a triangle from mount in 6 seconds in- apparently the fastest tap out of all the women of all ranks and weights at the tournament (for the record, the Men's fastest tap happened at 53 seconds into the round).
So I succeeded.

But I'm not sure I like competing. I'm not competitive. I don't care who's better, I care that we're both learning and having fun.

My coach told me to stop being nice to my competitors. He said "Be mean. You're too nice. I want to see some aggression".
During the round all I could hear was him yelling "TOO NICE SHEILA. Cross FACE! use your CROSS FACE!"
I don't like cross face. It's uncomfortable and I hate being in it. So I didn't use it (it's when you use your forearm across their face to control your opponents head)... apparently if I add it to my game, I'll win faster next time. And all the other competitors use it liberally.
Do I want to win faster?
...
I guess? I don't know.
I'm thinking.

Pictures to come when I get 'em.

!!!

I had coffee with one of my personal heroes yesterday. You know how its a good idea in life to find people your admire and to aspire to be like them?
I found a woman I look up to.
I emailed her (fangirl) about some ideas I was grappling with (heh heh heh) about the role of women within the martial arts.
She responded!

And then she happened to be in Vancouver to do some filming with ANOTHER one of my heroes (eeee!). They're creating a resource directly related to women in jiu jitsu... and she texted me for coffee while she was here.

Great conversation: like minds. She introduced me to her trainer. We talked about possible future joint-endeavours.

I'M SO EXCITED
(why am I so bloody lucky in life?)

Alternative lifestyle

I used to worry.
I can remember trying to explain to my grade seven teacher that I was having trouble with the work we were doing because I was unable to picture myself getting married, or having a "regular" job. We were supposed to be "journaling the future" or something like that.
I remember secretly wondering if I were going to die very young, because I seemed to be the only one in class who was having trouble making up my future story.
Mrs MacDonald told me to try journaling about my wedding day, or the house I'd live in. When I couldn't think of anything she said it was because I "wasn't ready for that kind of thing" yet.

I figured it out.

It wasn't a symptom of being doomed to an early death. Or a lack of "readiness". It was the subconcious acceptance of the fact that I will never lead a "normal" life.

How on earth could I have imagined what my life would grow into? How could I predict how many paths I'd deviate from?... Why on earth wasn't I provided with coping mechanisms for the realization that other people aren't as comfortable with my life-path as I am?

Beh.

Have you showered today??

,er...

I'm not just asking invasive questions.

Our theme at the Dojo this month is "Motivation".

Clearly defined by a Tiny Tiger (5 years old!) as "Why we do things". The class went on to explain that we eat ice cream because it's delicious and we do Martial Arts because it's fun (and awesome!), but we eat broccoli because it's good for us (except Bella, who also likes broccoli). So it's OK to have different types of motivation because they're all important. The Tiny Tigers are frikking smart: I can't wait to see how they grow up.

"Motivation" is also identified by Renzo Gracie as something that "like bathing, has to be attended to daily".

:D

Sometimes motivation runs out. Bathing also only lasts until your next workout. Tend to your cleanliness AND your motivated-ness regularly for optimal results.

Heh.

train wreck

Ever witness a pile-up of circumstance that leads to an absolute train wreck?
You see it coming a mile away but can do nothing to prevent it. Either they can't see it coming or they're moving too fast to stop.

I was a passenger in a car last week for the first time in what feels like...forever. Sitting there, not driving, I could look out the window (I like looking out the window). There was a pick-up truck in front of us, driving like a jerk-face (<-- pg version of what I said at the time), squealing his tires at every acceleration.

Approaching a side-street from a main-road: a jogger starts to cross heading in the direction opposite traffic. A cyclist, heading with traffic, approaches the same side street from the other direction. The pick-up truck accelerates into the turn onto the side street, squealing his tires.

The jogger just made it past the truck, I saw him turn to look back over his shoulder as he ran. The cyclist, also now past the truck, looks over her shoulder to see what the tire-squeal was about. As she does, her path veers wide; putting her right into the line of traffic coming up behind her.

The driver in my car also turns in response to the tire-squealing, muttering something about "driving like an a-hole". He was looking at the truck. Not ahead at the cyclist that had just veered into his path.

I yelped "look!"
Not screamed: there wasn't enough time to generate any volume.
Every muscle in my body tensed, my brain screaming at me "nonononono". We were about to plow her down.

He snapped his attention back to forward and abruptly corrected his course as much as he could within the confines of the lane (thank god, he he didn't over correct into on coming traffic) and we blew past the cyclist, inches from what would have have been serious injury if not death for her.

She barely noticed.
She was still looking at the truck, still squealing it's tires as it wove its way up a straight street-- "playing" with the noise of it's tires.

One jerk driver: distracting enough to potentially kill a cyclist, or 2 or more drivers (had he over corrected into traffic) and their passengers, and endangering a pedestrian (that jogger barely made it out of the way).

I'm relieved things turned out the way they did. It turned my mind down avenues of watching wrecks happen from a distance (my own, people around me) and how much can happen in response to the smallest choices we make and actions we take.

ugh.

People

There are people in my life that have had an incredible impact on me. The kind of people that when I think about them, I can't help but grin. Partly in gratitude/ smug satisfaction that I know them, but mostly because I find thinking about all the awesome things they have, or are, or are going to do incredibly exciting.

They are generally also the people I laugh with the most (to the point of disturbing other people sometimes).

I had a phone conversation with someone I greatly admire yesterday. She's a little famous: I won't spoil anything by naming names yet. Nothing's certain. But I might get to meet and interview her. (!!!) More details to come, don't worry.

After our conversation I was literally vibrating with excitement. Not just about what we'd talked about, but because it got me thinking about all the people that have impacted me in the same way our conversation had.

I'm excited by potential greatness.
I'm excited by potential change.
I'm excited by people when they talk about the things they're passionate about.

And I'm so grateful for the people in my life that make me think along these lines.

happy!

I went fishing:

This is not the fish I caught. But this fish is about as happy as I was when I caught it.
:D
I can't wait for the salmon to start swimming upstream. I watched a documentary about grizzly bears and in some places, they just wait at the top of rapids with their mouths open and fish jump right into their waiting jaws. This is not the strategy I will use (my mouth is not big enough to catch anything more than a baby salmon...and I don't want a baby salmon). But I will be equally thrilled at my (inevitable) success.

brainwashing

Overheard in a sparring class.

10 year old female white belt: "you're so much better at this than I am!"
10 year old male orange belt: "I'm a MAN. You're a WOMAN. Of COURSE I know how to do this better than you"
Girl: "What?"
Boy: "I know all the right places to hit because I'm a Man."

I interrupt: "Really, Visham? Are you better at this than I am?"
Visham: "Well no. but you're a black belt. I'm only an orange belt"
Me: "Right so...I have lots of experience and I know how to do this well, right?"
Visham: "YES" <-- he was angry!
Me: "So don't you think that as an orange belt you've had a lot more time to get good at this than Chelsey, who's never sparred before?"
Visham: "... yes"
Me: "So maybe it has nothing to do with girl or boy, but is more about experience?"
Visham: "... maybe"

Maybe if I get them when they're young...

buahahah

Clever disguise

I spent six hours riding my motorcycle through and around mountains and valleys today. It was so sunny... I got *so* sweaty, just from being in the sun. I really like BC. And motorcycles.

When I got home, I had to go get groceries. Instead of wasting all that time showering, I totally disguised my sun-grubbiness with a sun-dress. And it worked! I got a compliment from a complete stranger. He had NO IDEA he was talking to sweat-ball.

:D

Di another day

I was given a gift a while ago.
It's soap.
There is a D-12 embedded in the soap.

I've been using this soap excitedly for... what feels like forever. I have to finish the soap to get to the di (die?...singluar dice). But it is the LONGEST LASTING SOAP EVER.
It's been months! I lather vigorously, in hopes of speeding up the process-- to no avail. The di is protruding a few milimeters above the soap, so I'm getting close. But not yet. *scowl*

soon...
Soon.

Bow down to the Queen of garbarge

(booooo!!!)

I hate putting out the garbage. I *hate* it. It is my least favorite "thing around the house AND work" I hate to do.
I've made bargains with people: "I'll do ALL the dishes, if I never have to take the garbage out"
I've pleaded: "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasedontmakeme"

I don't know why I hate it so much. I assume I'm repressing some sort of traumatic childhood incident: I have no problem with any other sort of cleaning.

Anyway: Now I *always* have to deal with the garbage. The only other person who might take care of dojo-garbage...is on crutches. I don't mind carrying all the heavy things. Making all the food. Cleaning all the messes. Teaching all the classes. Fetching all the things... but today I took out the garbage *again*
:( <-- this is me pouting.

I'll get over it. I just had to get it out of my system.

New(s)!

I'm turning someone I train with into a machine: he wants to compete at World's (in jiu jitsu) next year... he's asked me to make him invincible. I'm so excited!!


I emailed my thesis supervisor last week about doing a 180 degree change of direction in my research: I'm terrified and excited at the same time. Eep!

I sparred the heck out of one of our brown-belts this weekend during her testing. It was so much fun...
:D

Gear Changes (maybe too honest)

I do a lot of switching back and forth between the roles I fill.

On campus I'm a graduate student.
People answer my questions intelligently. They ask me my opinion as if it matters. Gender rarely comes into play and people with 10 times the learning and experience I have treat me like a human being. When I walk on campus, I have the feeling that I can contribute something (I don't know what yet, but something) to the working body of knowledge that the world is currently working with.

And then I step into a world in which gender inequity is assumed.
Where my 15+ years of experience is frequently ignored by some guy off the street who's never thrown a kick in his life; ignored, just because he's a guy-- and so probably knows better.
A place where 14 year old boys think its ok to say "But you're a girl" as an excuse for not following instruction, or for failing to execute technique properly when working with me (never in a traditional class...only ever in kickboxing. Maybe I should wear my belt in kickboxing?).
Where a 240 lb man that feels threatened in a round of jiu jitsu will get frustrated and throw all of his weight on my sternum in an effort to take control of the round. Because, heaven forbid he get tapped out by a woman.

I have 3 sublex-ed ribs right now as a result of this encounter. They stick about 3 centimeters up from where my chest-wall should end.
I'm working with a Chiropractor to coach them safely back into place.

When I roll with people that are smaller than me (rare, but it happens), my instinct is to keep them safe. To try to use technique to move around them without crushing.
I am horrified to think that I might ever be instructing people that instinctively want to crush the smaller person.
I really need to think about this.

I'm not claiming gender-based superiority. I'm protesting the ego-fueled disregard for how humans should treat humans. The martial arts have never been (should never be) about strong people hurting weak people. That's not it at all...

Time warp?

Bootcamp messes with my body-clock.
I'm up at 4:50am these days. Running bootcamp classes (with a group of awesome people)...then on with my day.
I teach until 9 or 10pm... when I get home, I just fall asleep.
Sometimes, on the Tuesdays and Thursdays (when there is no bootcamp class) I jolt awake at 7am and freak out thinking I've slept through bootcamp.
I also routinely forget what day it is while teaching evening classes. Confusedly ask "where is____" when they don't ever come on that day anyway...

I think now would be the perfect time for me to start time-traveling.
The Jet lag wouldn't impact me at all.

Ouch

So. Broken finger.
Not even a cool story-- I wish it were a cool story.

A monster was practicing round kicks on my legs. For no reason. I was just trying to put my shoes on. It was painful, so I intercepted a kick with my hand at the same time he changed the trajectory of his kicking and *blammo-snap*

My finger is a gnarly mess. blue. purple. I'm concerned for motorcycle riding (I guess I'll find out on the way to work...)

ugh.

in the name of science

Her: Look! Pita Puffs!! I LOVE pita puffs!!!
Me: ? I remember those. But why are you so excited?
Her: They don't SELL them in Ontario anymore...I LOVE THEM
Me: So? Get a bag
*she grabs two*
Her: I'm so happy.
*ten minutes later*
Her: Did you want anymore? You've only had a few.
Me: No...I'm good.
Her: 'cause I'm gonna eat the whole bag.
Me:... okay.
Her: I ate the whole bag. *lip smacking noise* I'm so happy"
*silence*
*sloshing*
Me: What are you...
Her: -- I'm gonna see if I can finish all this water too. Just to see if I can fit it all in me!
Me: um...that's a more than a liter of--
Her: It's a liter and a half! I'm gonna drink it and see what happens.
Me: *visualizing her vomiting up a bag of pita puffs and 1.5 liters of water all at once*
Me: oh god...

Fredericton

I'm here.
Surrounded by Hipsters.

...what!?

How did I get here?

There are times, when I wonder what the heck is going on.

I stopped for gas today. A homeless man teetered up to me on a bicycle with a basket on the front that was piled high with bottles and garbage.
He was grimy and his clothes looked about ready to fall apart. He beamed at me: "Nice bike chica!!"
I grinned back at him. He gave me a thumbs up and wobbled past.

Then, I rode my bike along-side a river, cut through some farmland with the mountains at my back as I made my way to Ladner...to teach martial arts to people that love to learn. It was then that I realized I've woken up in a dreamworld.

I think I like it here.

Oh dear

Him: Let me make you lunch.
Me: ... okay

15 minutes later

*FOOM*

Him: (in a tiny, tiny voice) "ooh dear"
Me:... that was an actual ball of fire.
Him: I think I'm ok.
Me: an actual BALL of fire.
Him: are my eyebrows still on? My arm hairs are a bit singed.
Me: A FIRE BALL!!!!! That was so cooL!! (yes. your eyebrows are fine).
Him: oh good.


Me: Those are scorch marks. On the ceiling.

Another List

Shorts: check
Bathing suit: check
A dress!?: check (you never know)
Jiu Jitsu Gi: check
Kayak trip: booked
Trip to the San Diego zoo: booked
New Neal Stephensen novel: check

now heading to Seattle to catch a red-eye flight to San Diego..toying with a day trip to Baja mexico...hrm...

I'll come back (eventually)

wee!

There is something incredibly satisfying about making my jiu jitsu teacher happy.
He's a simple kinda guy. Loves jiu jitsu. Fights semi-professionally. Has a grin from ear to ear when you pull off something unexpected.

The first time it happened I managed to shoulder roll my opponent out of turtle position, and dropped him into my back-mount. Reggie freaked out: "That just happened!!!" he was grinning for the rest of class.

Today I pulled off a summer saulting (spelling?) guard pass and flipped out of it into cross-side. I didn't think it would work. But it totally did!
:D

Reggie freaked out: "Sheila! Sheila... whisper into his ear right now. Tell him 'That just happened'... yeah!"

Made my day.

(comic) relief

Me vs. Solitude

Me: Hey solitude. I sure love you.
Solitude: Sure you do. You spend so much time with me. You just looooove me.
Me: Why you gotta be so sarcastic all the time?
Solitude: Hm? sarcastic? me? I'm not sarcastic. I'm just bleeding away the prime years of your life behind your back and you haven't even noticed.
Me: What are you talking about?
Solitude: Oh nothing. Just... suckin' yer blood while ya sleep, that's all.
Me: What!?!?!
Solitude: Nothing! *innocent whistles* Just... thinking you're going to die alone.
Me: WTF!? ... fine. I'll go make friends.
Solitude:......

....
Solitude: SHEILA!!!!! I MISS YOOOOOU
Me: What the hell!? This was YOUR idea!? I only made these friends to shut your stupid mouth!
Solitude: BUT I NEEEEEEEEEEEED YOOOOUUUU!
Me: mother..Fu... GOD dammit. Why are you so CLINGY!?
Solitude: *sniff* come baaaack.
Me:... no
Solitude: Please?
Me: No. I'm having fun out here.
Solitude: I'll kill this puppy unless you come home.
Me:.... F@ck

...
Solitude: You DO love me!!
Me: Ugh. Stop cuddling my feet like that.

This about sums it up.

ugh

This is my life.

We had just finished watching "The Warrior's Way"

Me: "man that guy has a badass glare. Gun-fighter eyes."
Him: "like this??" *glares*
Me: "...but scarier. You need to work on scary"
Him: *he sits up higher, turns to face me head on, scowls, lets a floor-shaking belch out right in my face-- still scowling*
Me: "I think I hate you right now"
Him: "like that!?"
Me: "it's definitely hate"

"Thank you for handing me my ass today"

This is the last thing I said to Sheena before leaving the dojo. She's from Jiu Jitsu. Spent a good half hour beating the tar out of me in class today-- she's really good. I put up a better fight with her than I did last time around...but she's been doing jiu jitsu for about 5 years now and holy smokes can she move. I *love* training with a girl. She's about the same size as me and doesn't have the ego that appears so frequently on the mats.

After class my ears were awfully sore: I don't want to get cauliflower ear
so I've been thinking about ear guards... I think I found the perfect pair

I volunteered for this?

I don't know what I was thinking- Volunteering my time at a spring break camp. Sheesh

Picture Sheila Vs. 20 kids- all hyped up on the fact that they're not in school. Highlight number 1 of the day...

student 1: "Oh my god. You're like a Chinese ninja"
student 2: "She's Chinese?"
student 1: "Yeah-- can't you tell? look at her eyes"
Student 2: "Are you Chinese?"
Me: "yes."
Student 1: "Are you a ninja?"
Me: "yes. sit down."

They did.

Student A: "Can you show me a pressure point?"
Me: "Give me your arm"
Student A: "AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!"

... I only poked it. He was exaggerating his pain, but it made my day. They sat down too. When all else fails, fear and pain will always work.

It's probably a good thing that I don't have my own.

The depths of our love

Her: I got you something!
Me: really(excited)!? wait... (wary)is it a kick in the head?
Her: nooooooo
Me: Because last time you said that...
Her: No! it's not. I bought it a year ago and have been saving it for you.
Me: Really!? (excited) what it is!?
Her: here!

...
Jungle Panda.
No one is safe.

This is how I know she cares.

Dear Jenny

I would have said yes.
You didn't have to trick me into being a bridesmaid and wearing a dress. You (should) know that you're so important to me I'd agreed to what ever you need for your wedding.

Of course... you (should) also know that no amount of puppy-dog eyes will ever convince me that you "need" me to be the stripper at your reception. So stop asking.
Seriously.

No pressure...

While waiting at a bus stop.

Her: "Hey wanna have a dance party?"
Me: "...what?"
Her: "It'll be fun. watch. -- hey, hey you"
Him: "What?"
Her: "It's a dance party"
Him: "...what?"
Her: "You have 15 seconds to show me what you got. Aaaaaand.... Go!"

He looks left. Looks right. His eyes get really big.
...and then he grips his (closed) umbrella in two hands, breaks out into the most enthusiastic running-on-the-spot I've ever seen. Shifts to Jazz hands with ear-to-ear grin, double foot shuffle, two step-spin around the the umbrella aaaand.... more jazz hands.

Her: "That was good!"
Me: "I'm...confused"
Him: "I'm going to get on this bus now."
Her: "Okay!"

I was impressed.

a day in the life...

Him: wanna help me take the garbage and recycling out? There's lots.
Me: sure- let me put a coat on.

*he wanders away. I hear rummaging in the other room*

Him: I'm going to take this apart!
Me: What?
Him: This sword! I'm not keeping it. I'm going to take it apart.
Me: ... now?
Him: YES!
Me: So... no garbage?
Him: IN A MINUTE

*more rummaging*

Him: Never mind... it's not a full tang. This is disappointing.
Me:...
Him: I've been secretly hoping this was an awesome sword all along. It's not. Garbage run?

...
Yes.

Flash Forward

Time, she passes. I didn't realize a couple weeks had passed already: it's march!

Looking forward to a crazy month. Jenny and Rob visiting (yessss). A few mid-term projects due for school (uh oh). Spring break camps in Surrey at a couple of the elementary schools (should be interesting)... and the return of SUMMER (yessss).
Can't wait to get back on the bike regularly.

I asked a group of kids in one of my classes what "bravery" means to them. This is what I got in response:
"Sometimes, when you're scared of a thing, you have to be able to do stuff anyway".

I think it's pretty apt. We ended up talking about how it's ok to be afraid-- what's important is what you do when you're scared. Does it paralyze you ("freeze you up" in kid-speak)? Or can you be "brave", and make everything ok in the end.

...
neat

I'm number TWO!.... yeah!

I competed in my first jiu jitsu tournament this weekend.

I won second place in the women's division. It was insane. I had not predicted how outrageously aggressive female competitors would be.

When I roll with men- they're competitive. But not...angry. And they don't WANT to hurt me, they just do by accident sometimes.

When the first round started, I thought "this woman is trying to kill me. Why is she trying to kill me?" and the I realized the difference between competition and class...and got my sh*t together.

It was so much fun! I submitted the two biggest girls in my division (like 4-6 inches and 15-30 lbs bigger than me). I had a draw match with the highest ranking opponent (a crazy judo-woman from hell: my first match) and a loss to the woman who went on to win gold.

I feel...
good. I think.

Dear Jenny

I had a moment;
As I leaned and watched blood
flow from my nose,
mix with my sweat
and into the sink.
Red on white.
I wished
that there were someone there
to hold my hair back.
And tell me "don't worry.
The blood will stop"

Oh and also? It would have been nice to have someone to help washing the blood off the walls. This dojo (not mine) has WALL PAPER. Blood doesn't come off wall paper.
God.

(It was a knee. In my face. I was on the ground- my head had no where to go... it's so tender)

Camoflauge?

In kickboxing the other day I punched the skin off my two contact knuckles. I had gloves on. But it was a 2 hour session, and I had some steam to work off. Now my hands look like I make a living fixing cars.
It made me sad, when the endorphins wore off. I spend most of my time being sweaty and looking wretched.

So.
In a misguided attempt to reclaim come of my femininity, I put on a dress.
Now I look like a mechanic in a dress.

Balls.

Overheard on the bus

From UBC to the Skytrain station

Her: "Oh...My God. He is SO self centered. I mean, why the hell would I want to listen to his problems on a Friday night? I mean. I have a LIFE you know" <-- add "valley girl" accent.

Her friend: "*Totally*

Her: "Anyway I have to get off here. I'm going Shoppingggg!" <-- said in a sing-song "I'm so happy" voice

... I hope she wasn't talking about a friend. Or family member. I hope I hope I hope I hope...

Karma?

I quickly realized that he was too tall for me to effectively do...anything. Tall, lanky... limbs too long to be evaded. So I changed my game and started just putting my foot in his face. Not kicking him. More like... pawing his face with my foot.

Him: "Oh...oh that sucks."
Me: "Yeah well. So does being stuck in mount for 5 minutes." *paw..paw paw*
Him: "Argh... this...I don't like this!" *roll*
*smack* <-- his elbow. My face.
...
Him: "... That was your face eh?"
Me: "Yeah... I might have deserved that."

Another day... another jiu jitsu class

This time, I picked someone my own size. The instructor ran over as the round started
Instructor: "Wait! You two need to move over there!"
Us: "What? Why? There's space here"
Instructor: "But look!" (he points at two giants beside us) "and look!" (points to two more giants on the other side) "I don't want you to get kicked in your pretty face! They'll crush you!"
Me: "But what about Sebastian's face?" (gesturing to my awkward, teen-aged partner)
Instructor: "... yeah. Him too."
Sebastian: "aw maaaaan"
Me: "I think we just got sent to the corner. *sigh*"

In other news I learned how to flip upside down from an open guard today.
Yesssssss.

Numb

It never ceases to amaze me...the things we do to our bodies.

After a training session today I can barely feel my hands. We were practicing trapping. Fast. Intricate hand work. A good chunk of time spent taking strikes to the forearms.

I kept getting tangled with one of the drills. My training partner was much taller than me. Arms the size of my legs. The movements are more difficult when the body you're attempting to fight is heavier than what you're using to defend with.

Me: *fumble*
Him: "heh"
....
Me: *fumble*
Him: "eh heh heh"
Me: "It would help me...if you didn't laugh at me every time I mess up"
Him: "What? No. I'm laughing 'cause my hand keeps touching your boob."
Me: "...?" *fumble* "Oh. You're right. Quit that"
Him: "but you're doing it!"
Me: *fumble*
Him: "OW!"

... I think I won?

Wait and sea...?

I've had some time recently.

Ok. Not true. So I've needed a distraction. This is what I made!
... hooray? No? okay...so. not useful. Or pretty. but... they make me happy.

So there.

where am I?

My sense of direction is...mysterious.
There was, briefly, a time when it was "good". I used it frequently. Took courses that relied on an ability to read a map in the Air Cadets.
I was also organized, for this brief time.

And then I realized that other people have maps in their heads. They can find places they've been to once, because they know where those places are in relation to the other things on the maps in their heads.

I got lost on an airplane once. Just for a moment, but... seriously. How does that happen?

The other day I found myself repeatedly disoriented upon leaving one specific class room (Three times in a row. That bad). My instinct was to blame the light. The basement-ness of the room in combination with the floursecents and the sameness of the hallways of the university.

But really, it's me.
My compass is broken.
*sigh*
I'm going to start leaving chalk marks on all the walls as I walk from place to place.